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Who Does What?
When two people live together one of the first sources of friction can be the allocation of tasks around the house. Let's take a look at where this problem comes from and what can be done about it.
A husband and wife enter a marriage with very fixed ideas about the responsibilities and privileges that each should have. If these are not negotiated and re-negotiated to the satisfaction of both parties resentment can build. Many ideas about the roles of husband and wife stem from our home environment where we learned what mum and dad did around the house. This created our model and our expectation. Some couples have similar family history so can fit into a compatible arrangement similar to their childhood experience. However for many couples today, the role that each must take is quite different from their parent's experience.
The situation of a couple changes over time and the requirement for flexibility becomes apparent. Full-time or part-time work, caring for children, shift work, sickness, unemployment, a decision to return to full or part-time study etc. require a change in the balance of work around the home.
The crucial thing is that both husband and wife think arrangements are fair, then move on to a point where no one is keeping score and you genuinely feel like you are achieving your goals together. This means having respect and appreciation for what your partner does to make life comfortable for you. Overworking in order to earn the other's love is a warning that things are out of balance.
Another aspect to consider is the standard you want to keep around the house. Generally one of you will be more 'house proud' than the other. It may annoy you that clothes are left on the floor but your partner doesn't seem to care, so you find yourself picking up all the time. The problem here is your desire to impose your standards on your partner so you can be happy. You may perceive that your partner benefits from your work but does not appreciate it.
Remember if you want a different result, do it differently.
TRY THIS:
1. Consider your desire to have the place neat as your issue.
2. Treat you partner as if he/she genuinely wants to help you.
3. Ask your partner to help – be specific, expressing exactly how important it is to you.
eg. “When you leave your dirty clothes on the floor I feel angry and taken for granted when I pick them up. I want you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket because it helps me to think that you care about me.”
4. Be happy with whatever extra assistance you get and express appreciation.
5. Negotiate compromises if necessary.
6. Find ways to deal with your anger and resentment.
Suggested Reading: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (Northfield Publishing)
Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley & Blumberg (Jossey Bass Publishers
