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The Most Frustrating Thing You Can Tell A Man
A well known book written about 40 years ago was called “The Games People Play” and it was about people saying and doing things in a social or relational context which has a different aim than what is immediately apparent. An example is the “Ain't it Awful” game in which a person may say to you “Isn't it terrible how our medical system is organised” and you say “Yes it is”, not because you agree with the person about the issue, but merely to engage in a pleasant conversation and to avoid conflict. It is not hard to understand that if this kind of miscommunication becomes a habit within a relationship it can cause difficulties. Many people can miss the cues of a game or otherwise play it so often that they no longer recognise it as a game. For example if a woman finishes cooking something which is about to be taken out of the oven and served at the table she may say “This is just a little something I made up and I probably didn't get it right and it could be overcooked.” (She effectively protects her self esteem in regard to her cooking) The standard response is “I'm sure it will be fine, you are so modest about what a great cook you are”
At this level games are relatively harmless defence mechanisms that seem to lubricate social interactions and help us to all get along. However difficulties arise when one partner has an issue which is important to them and they do not state this directly to the other. The classic interchange is when one partner,detecting trouble brewing, asks “Are you o.k.?” and the other partner responds “Sure. Fine.” when they really are not o.k. at all. In a situation like this the persons response can be a game of manipulation whereby they are really wanting to be noticed for more sympathy and understanding but are not willing to ask for it or further explain the situation. There are many husbands in this world who have received either directly or indirectly the message “If you really cared for me you would know what I am wanting right now”. For a man, (or anyone for that matter), this can be very frustrating, because there are not clear instructions about what to do, what the person is actually saying, and no one can read another's mind.
The lesson is clear. If there is something important you are wanting that you don't think you are getting, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate as clearly as possible. Playing games can lead to resentment and won't achieve your goals.
