The Real Marriage Contracts

People enter relationships with what could be called ‘contracts’.  Ideally, these contracts take the form of agreements between the two partners which are related to the doing (or not doing) of some definite thing.  For example, some years ago a typical contract between marriage partners went as follows: The husband will support the family; the wife will stay at home and run the house.

In today’s complex world, such simplicity of agreement is rarely possible. And the situation is further complicated by the fact that the contracts can take different forms:
in the SPOKEN CONTRACT, the partners openly discuss the contract/agreement;
in the UNSPOKEN CONTRACT, one or both the partners assume there is a contract or agreement, but it’s never discussed;
and in the UNCONSCIOUS CONTRACT, one or both the partners have a contract but are unaware that it exists.

Such contracts are designed to meet the deep wants and expectations of each individual, so that if they are not met, the result is anxiety and often anger.  And because people make assumptions, taking it for granted that others share their particular needs and wants, contracts are a source of great conflict in relationships.

Spoken Contracts

Here are some common ‘spoken’ contracts:
•    when we have $X we will look for a house to buy
•    when I finish the course we’ll move to another place
•    we’ll go skiing for our annual holidays
•    we’ll start a family in three years’ time
•    we’ll visit both your family and my family once a month
•    I’ll cook and wash and you’ll clean our home
•    You can decide on home decorations
•    I’ll manage our finances
•    We’ll have a joint bank account
NOTE:  Spoken contracts are talked about and agreed upon.

Unspoken Contracts

Here are some common ‘unspoken’ contracts:
•    I will develop my career – you will take care of the home …….once we’re established, then we’ll have time for each other.
•    I will love and cherish you, and then you will do the same for me.
•    I will be a good husband/wife and then you will always love me.
•    My career is really the most important thing in my life.
•    We must share every thought and experience together.
•    I will love you, and you will stop drinking.
•    Our circle of friends will be my friends.
•    You will take all the responsibility and I will lean on you.
•    I’ll not permit you to compete with me professionally.
•    I’ll make sure you change the type of clothes you wear.
•    The care of the children will be mine alone: you will not interfere.
•    You will be honest and fair with our money.
•    I’ll teach you the correct way to behave.
•    You will be the love I’ve dreamed of all my life and I will love you deeply in return.
•    When we’re financially established I’ll have a baby.
•    I’ll prepare health food meals so you’ll lose weight.

Unconscious Contracts

Contracts that exist at the unconscious level may be quite unreasonable in the demands they make, and are often influenced by the life program the person carries from his or her family of origin.  Here are some unconscious contracts:

•    I’ll give you sex if you give me comfort.
•    I will leave you unless you become a good lover.
•    I’ll allow you to dominate me - that way I feel protected.
•    I’ll upset you occasionally because I like a good fight.
•    I am superior; you are inferior, therefore don’t try to tell me what to do – ever!
•    I’ll do my thing and you’ll do yours.
•    If ever you stop saying you love me I’ll make sure you pay for it.
•    My possessions are mine and not to be touched by you.

(unfortunately we do not know the source of this article as we have had it for some time but we think it it is so relevant we present it again here and acknowledge and thank its author)